Who Taught You to Talk to Yourself Like That? Where Your Inner Critic REALLY Comes From

If you constantly overthink, criticize yourself, replay conversations in your head, or have a harsh inner critic that won’t quit…this episode is for you.

In today’s powerful conversation, I dive into the psychology and neuroscience of the inner critic — including where negative self-talk comes from, why high-achieving perfectionist women struggle with it so intensely, and how your childhood experiences shaped the way you speak to yourself today. The great news? Thanks to neuroplasticity, you can change! Words are SO powerful so we’ve got to be careful what we think and say. It’s never too late to harness the power of positive words, speak more kindly to yourself, and silence your inner critic for good.

Note: This is an especially important conversation for moms who want to break generational cycles and raise emotionally healthy kids!

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• Why perfectionists and people-pleasers often have harsher self-talk.
• Your inner critic isn’t random. It’s the voice that was drilled into you by the way others spoke to you.
• Negative self-talk is a protective adaptation—not a flaw, and definitely not the truth.
• Watch your mouth: Your children are constantly absorbing not only what you say to them, but what you say about yourself. 
• The hidden impact of tone, silence, and emotional invalidation.

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

Join the next round of Moms Made NewTM so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://momsmadenew.com 

Book a free consult with Dr. Amber 1:1: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult

HOMEWORK:

Observe your thoughts throughout the day to assess whether they tend to be more positive or negative. See if you can identify whose voice your inner critic sounds like. Reach out to me via email to share your thoughts on this episode. 

 COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to hear the 10 things I never say to my kids (and, knowing the power of words, highly recommend you don’t either).

Don't miss my LIVE masterclass on "13 Things Nobody's Telling You About Your Nervous System" on Thursday, July 9th at 3pm Eastern. Use code EARLYBIRD13 for $20off through June 30th. Sign up here: https://solutionsforsimplicity.thrivecart.com/13things/

CONNECT WITH AMBER: Website | Instagram | YouTube | LinkedIn 

Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

0:56

Everyone has an inner critic, but what you might not realize is that the way you speak to yourself has so many implications for how you feel and what you bring about in your life. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. If you thought words were harmless, think again. I sincerely doubt that is any one of my listeners, but in that case, this episode is going to reinforce what you already know. Your words matter. More than that, your thoughts matter. My guest last episode touched on the fact that we all have this inner mean girl who speaks so unkindly to us. If you are a high-achieving, perfectionist, people-pleaser like me, then I know you are all too familiar with this vicious inner critic. The average person has anywhere from 6,000 to 70,000 thoughts per day. I know that is a crazy wide range, and we have to think that women are more likely to maybe be on the higher end of that, since women famously always speak more words per day than men on average. But even if we just took that 6,000 number your mind is just constantly churning from one piece of information and one thing that has your attention to another. The more important statistic is that three quarters to 90% of your thoughts are driven by the subconscious patterns and repetitive thoughts that have been drilled into your brain from a young age. Our brains are so brilliant and I will always be shouting from the rooftop How incredibly God designed our brains and our bodies. But so few of us are really aware of the power of our thoughts and then working to take our thoughts captive so that we don't let negative thoughts dictate our life. We already know that the brain has a clear negativity bias, meaning that it grasps on to negative information and negative experiences more than it does positive ones. So many women have this vicious inner critic that is constantly telling them they're doing it wrong, always shaming them for the slightest little bit of a mistake, and over-analyzing every single action, making meaning out of things that maybe isn't even there. I will be the first to admit that that's me, and it's only been in the last few years that I have realized the extent to which my default thoughts were so negative and so driven by these past life experiences, past wounds, that created protective adaptations like high-functioning anxiety and perfectionism and people-pleasing and all the things that I now talk about on this podcast. Some of you may already be familiar with this, but some of the most documented evidence for the power of words comes from a Japanese researcher's experiments on water. Starting in the 1990s, Dr. Masaru Emoto took samples of water from different places, like a very pristine natural mountain spring versus a polluted city pond. Then he froze the water and examined it under a microscope. What he found was astonishing and you can go see all of these images either online, on YouTube, as well as in his book, The Hidden Messages in Water, but he shows that the water from the pure sources creates these incredible geometric formations, whereas the water from the contaminated sources looks horrible and ugly. There is such a visual difference. It's crazy. He then did experiments where he spoke different words to different samples of water. First, very positive words like, I love you, you're beautiful, versus very negative ones like, I hate you. Once again, there is such a clear difference in the beauty that results in the frozen molecules. When we step back and remember that the human body is over 70% water, it is clear that we need to be so, so mindful of the words that we hear, the words that we think, and especially the words that we speak over others. Note that this also extends to what we are reading and consuming because Emoto's experiments show that even our silent intentions and thoughts produce this big impact. Dr. Emoto even showed that taping written words that said either something positive like thank you versus negative like you fool produced the same effect. The experiment has also been replicated with music, playing different water samples, all kinds of very appealing, beautiful classical music versus very angry, heavy metal music. And then perhaps his most famous experiment was called the Rice Experiment, where he took three different jars of fully cooked rice, added some water to them, and then spent 30 days either speaking kind things like, I love you, to the first jar, horrible things like, you're an idiot, to the second jar, and then did nothing to the third jar as a control. Sure enough, at the end of the experiment, the first jar that received loving words had hardly molded and was still a very beautiful white color, whereas the other jars, particularly the one that had been hearing horrible things, had gotten moldy and discolored and gross. It's really interesting to note that the jar that received neither positive nor negative words also spoiled and turned bad. This affirms what is already so intuitive to us, that neglect or abandonment, going unseen and unappreciated, leaves you feeling deprived, discouraged, and depressed. While plenty of people have critiqued these experiments, They have been replicated in all kinds of different forms and different studies. You may already have children that have done little science experiments at home, like speaking kind versus unkind words to their own water samples or to plants and seeing what happens. The way that the plants who were spoken meanly to wither and die, whereas the plants that were spoken nicely to end up flowering and flourishing. One of the things that I work with my clients very closely on is recognizing their inner critic and really identifying whose voice that is. In the majority of cases, that voice is a parent, someone that had such a big impression on you and really left a mark because you wanted to please that person and you craved their love and attention, and so you really valued what you perceived they thought of you, what they showed you they thought of you based on how they spoke to you, and not just the words that they said, but the tone in which it was conveyed and the demeanor they had when they delivered their words. This is why I am so personally against using profanity. I confess that back in my teenage years, I thought it was cool to drop F-bombs or things like that, but I quickly realized that not only did it not make me feel better to use those words, but that I didn't even like being around people who did. Now, when I hear someone swear or use a curse word, I, my whole body just has this very visceral physical reaction. I can't handle it. I think one of the reasons I am so sensitive is that words of affirmation are my primary love language. And if that's you too, then you know it's not just that you feel amazing and start beaming when someone says something nice about you. It's that even the slightest insinuation that you did something wrong or the slightest bit of a harsh tone makes you cringe and cuts you to the core. I still, to this day, am so sensitive to words and to the tone of someone's voice. I really, really feel in my body this whole wave of pain because of how harshly I was spoken to as a child. And I am. I'm just so determined to try and help every parent learn where their stress responses are coming from and not respond to their triggers in the default way that was maybe modeled to you by your parents so that you don't treat your kids the way you were treated. And, ideally, don't pass on your wounds to your children. Again, the implication is so important here. Knowing that what others said to you formed your inner voice, it bears emphasizing that the way we speak to our children is what's forming their inner voice. the inner monologue they are going to hear constantly on repeat when they are adults. I am sure you've already seen this effect outwardly with your children, where your older child suddenly uses your words in public or towards another sibling, and you're kind of shocked by how much they have picked up on and how they are imitating you, for good or for bad. Kids are so perceptive and so intuitive, but they are born just craving connection and wanting to please us, wanting to be close to us, so their default is going to be assuming that if we are stressed and if we are pulling away from them, that it's their fault. They are so sensitive to our actions, but all the more so to our words, both what we speak and what we fail to speak. what we fail to name and to validate and give words or voice to so that they can really understand it. In life coaching, we are constantly underscoring that your thoughts create your feelings, which drives your behavior, which then creates your ultimate results. It's so important that we are intentional. We are not going to be perfect. We are never going to be positive 100% of the time. And we do need to be careful that we aren't getting into toxic positivity and forcing ourselves to ignore reality or suppress the negative emotions that really might be surfacing and need to be processed in our body. But again, it all comes back to being aware and working to take captive our thoughts, really knowing the power of our words, particularly as mothers. We are the emotional regulators of our household and the way that we feel about ourselves, the way that we speak to ourselves, whether in our minds or especially out loud, that's what our kids are seeing. Whatever we do is being modeled for them. It's becoming their normal, their inner voice. So let's agree to be really careful with what words we are choosing and how we handle our stress. Here's what's tricky. Even if you already know this and want to speak more kindly to yourself and cognitively believe something as true, your body will still reject it as untrue and default back towards its vicious inner critic as a defense mechanism. This is the strong protective adaptation that you have likely developed from a very young age just to keep you safe. This is why it is so important to work with a certified neurosomatic coach like myself who can help you not only get to the root of your default stress response, but also help you rewire your nervous system through the power of neuroplasticity so that you have more safety and capacity and can truly accept the affirming thoughts you want to think about yourself. Never any pressure, but the link is always in the show notes if you want to book a free consult and talk more. Your homework for this episode is to simply observe your mind as you go through the day. Notice whether, on average, your inner thoughts are more positive or more negative, and really see if you can identify whose voice your inner critic sounds like. If you want to talk more about this and delve deeper into the hidden wounds that may be driving your inner critic, then definitely reach out to me, schedule that free consult, and I would love to talk more. Join me back next episode where I will follow up on this one with a whole list of things that you will never hear me say to my kids and that I very strongly encourage you never to use with yours as well. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.