The REAL Reason You’re Triggered by Your Husband & Kids (It Has NOTHING to Do With Them!)

Not enough people talk about how HARD it is to stay emotionally regulated as a parent when you’re constantly triggered by your kids or husband—not because they’re doing anything wrong per se, but because they’re behaving in ways you didn’t get to as a child. Anger, fear, jealousy, grief…so many emotions surface as others’ carefree childhood drives home the reality that you didn’t have that luxury when you were little.

In this deeply personal episode, I share a recent moment that underscores how your triggers aren’t about the noise, the mess, the lack of help, or even anything about the present situation. They’re a reflection of a nervous system that was wired for survival long before you ever became a wife or a mom. If you (or someone you know) are a high-functioning, type-A, “holds-it-all-together” kind of woman who ever finds herself overwhelmed, reactive, or resentful, this episode is going to hit deep—in the best way.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• ALL behavior is a reflection of your nervous system—not a fixed personality trait
• The hidden link between past childhood experiences and present-day triggers 
• The emotional weight of being the “responsible one” and why you get so on edge when things feel out of control 
• How high-functioning anxiety, control-seeking, hypervigilance, people-pleasing, and over-responsibility are learned survival patterns
• Many women carry an invisible mental and emotional load that others don’t see and may never fully understand (let alone appreciate) because they are wired differently
• How to begin shifting from reactivity to repair 

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

Download my FREE quiz to pinpoint your default “F” response to stress: https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/stress-response-podcast

Join the next round of Moms Made NewTM so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://momsmadenew.com 

Book a free consult with Dr. Amber 1:1: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult)

HOMEWORK:

Share your thoughts with me via email through the link in the show notes or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity. 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to keep unpacking the hidden sources of stress stealing yo

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Transcript

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It is so, so hard to not get triggered and not respond to those triggers in the moment with your own children. I was robbed of a childhood. I did not get to be a child. And while it is my greatest, greatest mission to ensure that my kids are not wounded in this same way, the reality is that it is really hard, even painful, to see them getting to experience such joy when I don't know what that's like. All of those things that past generations of parents saw as devious or defiant, we now know are just kids being kids. They are actually really good signs. They are markers of the fact that your child has a strong, safe nervous system that isn't carrying the weight of the world that we did. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis, ready to make more time for you, Let's dive in. This is one of those episodes that is going to resonate with some people and perhaps repel some others. Fair warning, I am sure I'm going to get emotional about this because as much as I talk about these things and I coach on these things, and I have been doing the work myself for a couple of years now, things still just surface in the most unexpected moments. And because I'm more aware now of my wounds and of my triggers, I not only experience them in real time, but then I'm like assessing and kind of judging or diagnosing and analyzing myself all at the same time now too. So I want to take you behind the scenes into a very real recent experience that I had that really underscores how much our behavior, all of our behavior, truly just reflects the state of our nervous system at any moment. No matter how calm or advanced you think you are, how good you think you are at controlling or re-regulating your emotions, there are inevitably times where your nervous system just takes over and responds according to these protective adaptations that have been pre-wired into you based on your prior life experiences. If, as you're listening to what I'm about to describe, you find yourself thinking, that's not me at all. Don't walk away from this episode. I know there is someone, if not multiple someones in your life, that either exhibit these tendencies or do things that you don't understand. They do things differently than you, and then you sometimes feel like they're crazy. The whole point of this episode is underscoring that you never know what someone has been through and what is actually driving their behavior in any given moment. In 99% of instances, it's not their ideal, rational self. It is their inner wounds. We all have them. So please, please, please listen to this episode in its entirety to make sure you get all of these important truths. The situation itself is simple and harmless enough. I want to preface this by underscoring that my husband is amazing and my boys are incredible and on the whole, I just thank God every day for my blessings. But yesterday was one of these moments where everything came to a head. I am in the middle of my end-of-semester craziness as a professor. After more than 15 years of teaching at the university level, no matter how much I got done ahead of time, there is so much that comes down to the wire to get all the grading done, proctor final exams, finalize getting grades submitted, tons of important committee meetings, not to mention research and publication deadlines. It's just always really stressful. On top of that, we are getting ready to host a bunch of out-of-town guests for some big events my kids have going on. Really, all spring has been so jam-packed with kids' sports games and play practices or performances, choir, all the million wonderful things my kids are involved in. It's all good, right? None of it is the problem. except that it really is coming to a head here right now. You know what it feels like in those moments where your stress is rising. You're wondering how you're going to get it all done. I have no doubt that it is all going to come together and be fine. But I reached this tipping point over the weekend where we had been busy for so many nights on end, not getting enough sleep. The kids had been just leaving things all strewn about. The kitchen was a disaster. And my husband and boys just wanted to go do fun things. They wanted to play video games. They wanted to work outside in the yard and the garden or go ride bikes and play with the neighbors and all these things that are so great in principle. But it was Sunday evening. It was already 6.30 p.m. I couldn't get everyone rounded up to eat dinner at the same time and I was just really starting to spiral. I had really high hopes that we could just work together for like an hour to get the house all picked up and really start this most busiest week of the spring off on the right foot. Again, my husband is amazing, I'm not trying to make him the bad guy, but The more I was asking for help and going around and telling everybody the countdown of how many minutes were left until we were going to stop and work together on cleaning, my husband got really annoyed and he called me out on it and he said, babe, you've got to stop projecting your stress and anxiety onto everyone else. I was really taken aback because the rational part of me knew he was not wrong. But there is absolutely the self-righteous part of me that didn't feel like I had unreasonable expectations. I am that type A kind of perfectionist planner person. I like to say recovering, but I am who I am. These are the traits that everyone loves and relies on to keep the trains running on time. But then when I'm not at full capacity or when I'm stressed out and I'm asking for everyone else to step it up and help me. It's like the you know what hits the fan. So we got into this big discussion. It was not an argument. I'm so proud of us that we can talk these things through. Of course, we are each very adamant about our own position, but I am always trying to use my coaching tools to see things from the other person's perspective, analyze where their stress response is coming from, what trigger they might be responding to, versus my own default response, our conversation started turning into that classic battle of who has done more. It was just not a productive discussion. What I realized in an instant is something that has occurred to me before and yet just struck me so hard last night. It's not that I want things to be under control or that I need things to be done my way or that I'm trying to overtake my husband as leader of the home or any of those things. Truly, truly, that's not where I'm coming from, despite what he may think from time to time. Where my trigger lies is realizing that the reason I get so threatened and upset when others aren't helping me or doing things as I ask them to do, it hits home to me just how wounded I am. Because when I was a child, I didn't have the luxury of just playing and hanging out and ignoring my parents' requests or demands. I grew up in a household where I was not only the oldest child, but there were a lot of other dynamics going on. And I now know I've been doing this work to find out. The extent to which my nervous system got wired for hypervigilance and over-responsibility and the high-functioning anxiety I have talked about before. I don't feel safe when things are out of control because when I was a child and things were out of control or my parents perceived that they were out of control, hard things happened. And so I live in this constant state of being on edge and trying to preempt problems so that I can feel safe. I've done so much of this beautiful neurosomatic work to expand my nervous system's sense of safety and capacity. I feel like I've made such huge strides, and yet this is the core root of it. It's so many different emotions all wrapped up together. This sense of jealousy, maybe anger, at how my sweet husband, who was the third child in his family and grew up in a wholly different kind of environment that was much more loving and kind and faithful than mine was, he clearly didn't have The same kind of situation, let alone rules and expectations leveled against him when he was little. So much grief at how I was robbed of a childhood. I did not get to be a child. I didn't have the luxury of just running around carefree or letting things stay a mess or not being on constant alert for what could go wrong. And while it is my greatest, greatest mission to ensure that my kids are not wounded in this same way, the reality is that it is really hard, even painful, to see them getting to experience such joy. When I don't know what that's like, or the child version of me, the little girl inside, doesn't know what that's like. Another emotion that always comes up in those moments is fear. The real, legitimate concern that something is wrong with me. Like, yeah, I have these problems and why me? Or what's wrong with me? But I know the answers to that. And I also know that none of it is a problem. It is just a fact. It's just part of my story, part of my reality, and the motivation for why I do what I do, both in my parenting and in my coaching. We need to do this work. You need these tools. It's easy to feel so alone and so ashamed because, shouldn't I be over this by now? In many ways, these are the innermost parts of us that we want to hide and we wish no one knew about. So when they come to the fore and they play out in our everyday interactions, it's embarrassing and it's so confrontational. Not just confronting because of the other people that we are engaging with, but because it is those moments where we have to confront ourself. I'm ultimately so grateful that I have this awareness and this knowledge because it gives me the tools and the perspective to do life differently now. To keep working on these things in my marriage and with my kids so that they can better see where I'm coming from and why I am the way that I am. It is so painful. So painful. to realize that you have these deep wounds that another person doesn't. And not only that, but they just really don't know what it's like, what it feels like for you. They are just never going to know. They are never going to be able to relate and really walk that mile in our shoes. That's why we have to find and support each other because we know what it's like. There's a whole bunch of humiliation that comes up because I don't want to be this way. I don't want to be the mean parent. I don't want to be the outcast in my family. I am so outnumbered. It's just me, my husband, and our four boys. I'm always wondering if the tension I feel is because of gender differences or what, but I know plenty of other women who aren't like me and who don't struggle the way that I do. I also know so many more women who are like me and who do have these same tendencies of hypervigilance, people-pleasing, desire for control. None of it even overt. It's just the way that we are. Remember, as I have said multiple times on this podcast, those kinds of labels are not personality traits. They are not fixed characteristics that define who we are. They are simply symptoms, outputs of a wounded nervous system that is always just trying to keep you safe. If you've ever heard of Gretchen Rubin and her four tendencies, another big difference between me and my husband is that I am a hundred percent an obliger. I want to make sure I make everybody happy and I will kill myself. I have. I've burnt out in the past and I've really done my own self so much harm by putting other people ahead of me, wanting to make sure that I get things done according to their needs and their high standards. I am a rule follower anytime there is any kind of social or societal expectation, you can bet that I am always trying to get it right. My husband, on the other hand, is a rebel, meaning that he doesn't want to listen to anybody. He doesn't care about rules. He in no way feels that external pressure or accountability to follow a certain path. He carves his own path. That's such a big part of why I fell for him. Back when we were dating, it was so attractive that he didn't care. He was so adventurous and fun and funny and doing whatever felt exciting in the moment. He is so responsible and he's an incredible provider and he's my best friend. But man, there are so many times where I just cry. Because even after 26 years together now, there are still aspects of me that he will just never understand. And how could he, right? He doesn't have these same wounds. And thank God for that. I'm so, so glad that if someone had to bear this burden, that it's me and not my husband and not my kids. It's just hard sometimes. And it really comes up in these moments where I don't feel like I have anything left to give. It's already taken so much for me to learn to ask for help over the years. So then when I do ask for help and it feels denied or rejected or blown off, I just get crushed. because like it just makes me realize that not everyone has this complex trauma from a painful upbringing. I always want to underscore that I love and honor my parents so much too. I see now how they were so doing the best they could and how the way they parented me was a reflection of their own wounds that had been passed on Through all kinds of traumatic experiences, I am on such a mission to make sure that that buck stops with me and doesn't get passed on to my kids. I know that my parents loved me. I know that there are things they wish they could go back and change. We've had really amazing, healing conversations. None of this is to point fingers or blame anyone. But it is to honor and validate my truth, to speak my truth, and the way that all of the past still shows up in my present, despite how much I want it to disappear. If you have ever struggled with carrying the mental load or feeling like others can't relate to you and appreciate where you're coming from, If you periodically experience these clashes where you're seeing things one way or asking for things to be one way and it gets shut down by someone else, I just want to offer you solidarity. We are not alone. It is actually a pretty significant percentage of us women that have these kinds of tendencies. It's really painful to make peace with the fact that we have them and other people don't. And then it is so, so hard to not get triggered and not respond to those triggers in the moment with your own children. I don't think enough people are speaking out about how hard it is to be doing this inner work and recognizing these things about yourself, repairing your nervous system, trying to heal from your past wounds while you are in the thick of it, confronted by everything you didn't get or that you don't have with your own kids. I don't know that I would want things any other way, because as painful as our wounds are, I see that they are there for a reason. They have made us who we are, they have given us the gifts that we have, and they are there for Jesus to fill. I can't not see God at work in all of this. That He is there as our one source of solace and comfort. All of these hard things are just there to lead us closer to Him. In the moment last night, I think my husband and I just walked away. We reached this point where we knew we weren't seeing eye to eye. I was starting to feel defensive and I didn't want to get any further down that rabbit hole of disagreement or conflict. I also knew he was right, that I am stressed and that I would be handling things very differently if my stress level wasn't already so high. My husband has an amazing memory and he could surely give you the play by play of how it all played out. I went ahead and just kept cleaning and working. And I did get a couple of my kids to pitch in and they, you know, put up the usual battles, but we did, we made amazing progress in less than an hour. And as soon as that stuff was put away and laundry was done and everything was finished, I felt such relief. Like, why was that so hard? I don't know. But all I can control, then and now, is myself and my reactions. If you, too, grew up in an environment where you had to take on more responsibility than you should, whether that was in terms of physical responsibilities and logistics around the house or caring for other siblings, or just being aware of your parents' problems, helping to take care of your parents in ways that children should not have to do. There are so many layers to this. Maybe you had a narcissistic parent, or an addicted parent, or there's any number of abusive situations where this plays out too. It all comes down to the fact that in our past, we didn't get to feel safe. Our sweet caregivers just didn't have the ability or the capacity to give that to us, and we were really impacted because of it. As adults, these wounds constantly still show up as being hyper aware of what is going on around you, Constantly needing to monitor everybody else's moods. Trying to anticipate other people's needs. Make sure that you can keep things just so, so that no one gets upset or nothing goes undone. You're always trying to plan and stay a step ahead so that nothing goes wrong and nobody else gets stressed out. You take on everybody else's emotions and want to swoop in and make them feel better. You have a hard time speaking up and asking for what you want or need. And then you get so hurt and disappointed when other people don't just volunteer to do those things. or seem to see, let alone care, that you are struggling. It's not their fault. They just genuinely don't see things the way that we do because their nervous systems don't carry these kinds of protective adaptations. They definitely have their own version, but ours is a unique cross to carry. Whew, this was another heavy episode because we need to go deep. These wounds are deep and I'm on a mission to bring them to light, not to make you feel bad, not to cause more tension and stress in your life, but so that by getting to the root and better understanding yourself, You can really have peace with the past and then find your true authentic self. Love yourself. Love that inner little wounded girl that just wants to be seen, wants to be loved, wants to be taken care of in ways that we weren't. We get to give that gift to ourselves now. We especially also get to give that gift to our children. And so, as painful as it is, our joy comes from getting to live vicariously through our happy, carefree, joyful children. I saw a quote once that said, the easy child is a wounded child. And man, does that resonate with me. Maybe it resonates with you too. But I try to call that to mind every time I feel like my children are not being easy. They are being difficult. And really force myself to see how good it is that they feel safe talking back or having their own opinions or asking lots of questions. All of those things that past generations of parents saw as devious or defiant, we now know are just kids being kids. They are actually really good signs. They are markers of the fact that your child has a strong, safe nervous system that isn't carrying the weight of the world that we did. I'm surprised I didn't cry as I was recording this. I was definitely teary last night when all this was happening and woke up in the middle of the night just replaying all of this and thinking about these things. That's the beauty of it. The more that you have this awareness and you can have this inner dialogue now between the present version of you who is safe and is loved versus the old, prior version of you that didn't get those things, that's where healing can happen. The reason that I love this work is because it brings me closer and closer to my true self, to the version of me that, even when I am triggered, doesn't respond in that wounded way. It's a work in progress, definitely a journey, but the most worthwhile, beautiful one that we could ever, ever have. If you are on that same journey, reach out to me by email or on Instagram at solutions for simplicity. I would hate if you can relate to this story, but again, I know that I am far from the only one and I really want to be open with you that of course I don't have it all figured out and there is no such thing as being fully over our past wounds, right? Just like a scar is still there. We're always going to have some remnant of the past as part of us, but it doesn't have to dictate our life. It doesn't have to control our situations, our relationships, our behavior, our thoughts. That's what I love helping you with too. You can always use the link in the description to book a free 60-minute consult and we can talk more about your personal situation. There is still so much left to unpack, especially around this term, complex trauma, so stay tuned for future episodes entirely on that. Join me back for another episode next week, and until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.