Is Your Nervous System Ruining Your Relationships? 3 Keys to Secure Attachment

We all need connection but if your nervous system got wired to perceive attachment as unsafe, it’ll sabotage ALL your relationships. In this powerful follow-up on attachment theory, I’m unpacking the truth behind how attachment styles reflect the protective adaptations your brain and body learned to keep you safe.

Attachment style isn’t your personality; it’s your nervous system’s survival strategy. I’ll show you how to determine your current attachment style, guide you through three steps to cultivate more secure attachment moving forward, and share exactly what your kids need from you so they can have happy, healthy relationships as adults. Thanks to neuroplasticity, it’s never too late to create deeper connection, healthier communication, and more secure relationships.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• Four simple questions to reveal your attachment style
• How many “personality traits” are actually just stress responses in disguise
• The 3-step process to rewire your brain for more secure attachment
• The three core ingredients needed for your kids to develop secure attachment
• How it’s NEVER too late to repair attachment (no matter how old your kids are or how strained the bond)

FOR SO MUCH MORE:

Book a free consult to learn more about healing your nervous system so stress no longer sabotages you—or your relationships: https://tidycal.com/solutionsforsimplicity/free-consult)

Get on the waitlist for the next round of my 6-week program, Moms Made NewTM to learn the six most powerful life coaching tools every mom needs so that you and your family can flourish: https://solutionsforsimplicity.myflodesk.com/mmn-waitlist

HOMEWORK:

Share this episode with another mama who needs these crucial insights. Then email me through the link in the show notes or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity to share a relationship you’re struggling with and what you want to be better. 

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next Tuesday at 5am Eastern to hear a very vulnerable personal story of how my connection with one of my sons was severely severed and what I’m doing to repair it.

Loving this podcast? Please help it get found by more listeners by taking quick minute to leave a rating & review in Apple Podcasts. Take a screenshot of your text review before you submit it, then email that to help@solutionsforsimplicity.com and I'll send you my powerful Happy Mom Protocol™ (a $297 value) FOR FREE!

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Ready to finally get to the root of your problems and change your life FOR GOOD? Book your free 60-minute consult to learn more about working 1:1 with Dr. Amber.

Transcript

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All of these little behaviors, things that are even typically labeled as personality traits, they are simply evidence of the state of someone's nervous system. And when you realize this, you become such an expert on human psychology and behavior. It's so powerful. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. Welcome back as we continue to unpack this idea of attachment theory and how attachment, or lack thereof, is at the root of all your relationships, really all your thoughts, your motivations, your actions. This stuff is so interesting and important to know, not only to better understand yourself, but to better connect in your marriage and with your kids. One of the leading attachment experts, Dr. Gordon Neufeld, puts it this way. Quote, attachment is the science of relationship, and we're all in relationship. The brain is made up of neurons that are attached. There is no life outside of attachment. Attachment is the relationship of everything and the science of it. The absolutely exciting discovery was when science assumed it was our survival that was the basic drive, only to find that in mammals, it's not survival. Yes, that's a need, but the drive is to togetherness, and it makes perfect sense because our survival lies in our togetherness. So when there's a threat to our togetherness, we will go through danger to get there. Attachment is the fundamental, the primary, the primordial, the preeminent drive, the default drive." End quote. So we're not just atomized individuals roaming about the world. We are all meant for relationship, for social connection. In an ideal world, all those connections would be healthy, stable, secure. We would be seen and valued for who we are, not what we do. we would be treated kindly and protected from harm, especially physical or emotional pain inflicted by those we love. Sadly, we live in an imperfect, fallen world where relationships are inherently complicated. People are inherently human. The more you learn about your nervous system, the more you realize everyone is truly doing the best they can under the circumstances. But woundedness perpetuates woundedness, severing the attachment bonds we were able to form with our caregivers or our kids are now forming with us. As I said in last episode, we are treading gently here. Whether you're already familiar with the four main attachment styles or if last episode was your very first introduction to them, it can be triggering to realize your upbringing perhaps didn't prime you for healthy relationships or to worry that, for various reasons, you're getting it quote-unquote wrong with your kids. I promise you, you're not. The aim is to begin to unpack how your nervous system may have been wired for or against secure attachment, and then, if the latter, heal and repattern yourself for greater safety and love so you can offer those to others too. Quick recap. Insecure attachment occurs when a developing nervous system learns social connections can't be trusted. Maybe they just cause pain. Insecure attachment is broken down into three forms. Anxious attachment, where you fear you'll be abandoned. Avoidant attachment, where you fear you'll be trapped or disappointed, so you prefer not to be attached at all. Or disorganized attachment, where even if you want attachment, it subconsciously feels too vulnerable, too dangerous, whether physically, emotionally, or both. These three insecure attachment styles are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Someone could have a hyphenated form like disorganized anxious, disorganized avoidant, or even anxious avoidant, waffling back and forth depending on the circumstances. If all this has piqued your interest and you haven't already gotten a sense of what your attachment style might be based on how I've described them so far, Let me give you four simple questions to further determine what your personal attachment style might be. Question number one. When someone pulls away, do you pursue them or shut down? If you go towards others and chase relationship, maybe you're someone who hates to not be in one, maybe you don't know who you are apart from someone else, you might have anxious attachment. If you shut down, you may have disorganized attachment where you fear opening up and trying again, being vulnerable, putting your heart back out there. 2. Do you feel safest when you are needed or when you are alone? If you have subconsciously built your identity around being needed, fulfilling other people's needs, putting others ahead of yourself, you may have anxious attachment. It is so easy to define yourself around the roles you fill and not know who you are as an independent person outside of those roles. You need validation from other people to make you feel worthy. If, on the other hand, you prefer to be alone or you retreat when things feel hard, Those could be signs of avoidant attachment where your nervous system perceives relationship as too much effort without the security of a guaranteed reward. Question number three comes down to conflict. Do you tend to assume even the slightest conflict means abandonment or incompatibility? People with anxious attachment tend to spiral into fearing the worst or worrying that one little mistake might make someone leave, might make you unlovable. Or on the flip side, if someone else makes a mistake, you might have a hard time forgiving them and trusting them again. If on the other end, you feel an urge to run at the slightest bit of conflict, you might have disorganized or avoidant attachment. Your brain might be thinking, why try when it's always so hard? Or use any little bit of frustration, any conflict, anything that isn't perfect as confirmation that relationship and attachment is dangerous, too unsafe. The last question is, do you fear being too much or fear needing anyone at all? If you tend to belittle yourself and play small to keep the peace or appease those around you, maybe you're known for being really agreeable, even a pushover, those could be signs of anxious attachment where your nervous system learned to adapt who and how you are in the moment to fit whatever mold you sense people need or expect you to be. If you are instead Miss Independent and pride yourself on not needing anyone, having strong walls up, never letting your guard down, even seeming like you're really easygoing, it could actually mean that you have avoidant attachment where you are convinced opening up and letting anyone in just sets you up for disaster because that's what happened in the past. You might seem on the outside like you don't care, But that's because on the inside, you shut down and just kept your expectations low so that you wouldn't be disappointed. I can't say this enough. Your attachment style is not a personality flaw. It's your relational nervous system blueprint. When you feel unsafe, you can't just cognitively choose better. You protect yourself automatically. It's so key to understand that this protective response is entirely rational to your subconscious brain. and you have to keep that in mind for others too. Even if their relationship patterns and behavior seem confusing or infuriating or hurtful, it simply signifies that that person's nervous system didn't feel safe or have well-attuned care in prior relationships, typically childhood. Attachment patterns really demonstrate the underlying stress response that someone's nervous system got wired with. If someone defaults towards anger and control, it's a sign that their nervous system is stuck in a fight response. If someone tends to stay constantly busy, need to always be doing something, or is a renowned perfectionist, these could be signs that the nervous system is stuck in a flight response. If someone doesn't display a big range of emotion or may even seem numb to emotion at all, it could be signs that their nervous system is frozen in a shutdown state. And then if someone is your classic people pleaser personality, it's a big sign that their nervous system took on a fawn response. I will have another podcast soon where I delve so much more deeply into these big stress responses. The F responses, as they are known, they are so important. But again, all of these little behaviors, things that are even typically labeled as personality traits, they are simply evidence of the state of someone's nervous system. And when you realize this, you become such an expert on human psychology and behavior. It's so powerful. So then the question at the top of your mind, once you have narrowed in on what your attachment style might be, is surely how can you heal or shift your attachment pattern if you don't have secure attachment? I want to break this into three steps. Obviously, step number one is awareness. Name your pattern without shame. It's not intentional. It's not bad. It is simply a beautiful sign of however your nervous system learned to protect you from relational pain. And same for other people. Then identify your protective response behavior, whether that is feeling anxious, needy, or distancing yourself from relationships as a way of trying to keep yourself safe. Step two is regulation. This is a buzzword that is so popular right now as mainstream society is starting to focus much more on the nervous system. But this next point is really big to understand. So please hear me as a certified trauma-informed neurosomatic expert when I say, You cannot re-regulate your nervous system or heal attachment from your mind alone. Healing has to start at the level of the nervous system, which is what I am certified in helping you do. There are so many simple practices that we can do to just open up a little more safety and capacity in your nervous system so that clearer communication can take place between your brain and body and your nervous system can then more accurately perceive if it is actually under threat or even if so, How best to respond to that current moment instead of just responding through your default triggers and, as they are called, neurotags of pre-patterned behavior. I just want to remind you how important it is to have compassion with yourself and with other people because everything they are doing is, again, just a sign of how their nervous system is doing. It's so hard, I know, but you can't take it personally. Step number three is to repair. Secure attachment is built through repair, not perfection from the get-go. No relationship is without conflict and difficulty. And these two by themselves don't have to mean anything is wrong, as long as there are two secure, emotionally mature adults who can interact with empathy and compassion for the other person, offering each other what's called unconditional positive regard, meaning that you really see that person for who they are and how hard they are trying. You know they are doing the best they can, given how their nervous system is wired and what is being triggered in them in that moment, even when they're hurt or upset. In marriage and parenting, some phrases that maybe you want to keep in your back pocket for repair are things like, wow, I got really upset just then. I'm sorry. I'm here now. Or your feelings are safe with me. Or, I was having a really hard time and I didn't handle that well. Please forgive me. Those simple kinds of phrases can really help our spouses or our children realize that we are aware of our own limitations and that we desire to do better. I especially want to segue into how attachment styles can show up in our parenting. I know as a mom it can be easy to hear this stuff and feel that much more pressure to get it right with your kids or take on guilt if you think you've somehow done it wrong. That is absolutely not what I want you to do. This is not to add pressure or make you feel bad if, for any reason, you don't think your attachment with your kids is ideal. No matter how old your kids are, there's always time to repair and start rebuilding broken connections. If you're like me, so much of this is something you just wish you had been aware of before you became a mom. In an ideal world, we would all be educated on this so that we could do this inner work before we brought kids into the world. That is not my reality and that's why I'm so passionate about spreading this message and really getting it into the hearts and minds of as many other women as possible. Even if you already have kids or even if your kids are already grown, you can still implement these tips. All attachment depends on three things. Are you ready? Number one, safety. Can our kids trust that we will take care of them, that we see and are attuned to their needs, and not just putting a roof over their head and food in their mouth and making sure that they're good to go to school in the morning, but especially their emotional needs? Google defines attunement as the ability to deeply connect and become in sync with another person's emotional state, feeling their experience as if it were your own, thereby creating a sense of being truly understood and felt. Physical safety is a big thing. Many of us have experienced body boundary violations where we were physically unsafe in some capacity. But assuming that physical safety is not an issue in your current home, I want to really underscore this element of emotional safety. Kids pick up on whether or not they are safe to feel and express what they are feeling in any given moment. Does expressing certain emotions cause us to disconnect from them, to cast them away, or respond in anger? Do they feel responsible for our feelings? That puts an awful lot of pressure on a little developing nervous system. Second thing that's needed for secure attachment is presence. Are we there for our kids? Being physically there is important, but plenty of research underscores that it's not quantity of time that matters so much as quality of time. And a child's attachment bond doesn't just form around one singular person. It really does take a village to raise a child. So even when mom or dad isn't around in the moment, as long as there is another attuned caregiver present, a child can still thrive. Research is clear that if a child has even one secure attachment, that can be enough. The larger question the child's brain is always asking is, do my parents love me? Will they come back to me? Am I enough as I am? And then a much deeper, more common issue for all of us is emotional presence. We are so distracted today on our phones, thinking of our to-do lists, mentally fatigued from long days of work, whether inside or outside the home. You may have been listening to kids fighting nonstop, and then you just check out, right? So there is a huge difference between being around and being there, fully engaged, attentive, interested in our kids. And man, let's really acknowledge how hard this is. In extreme forms, a parent might wrestle with substance abuse, or alcoholism, or simply be overwhelmed from the stress of their hard day, or grieving something that they're not sharing with the child as a way of trying to protect them. In that moment, the parent is incapable of offering anything more than physical presence. I'll come back to this later, but on a lighter note, weren't we all the perfect parents before we had kids and multiple kids at that? We are human. We're tired. We're juggling so much. We've got multiple kids with different needs all vying for our attention. It is so natural that it feels like there's not enough of us to go around. We are really all doing our best. None of this is to pile on guilt or shame. Yet, of course, we all probably know that we could do better. Put our phones away. Read them one more story to help them settle at bedtime. Accompany them upstairs when they are afraid to go by themselves. Show them that we are attuned to what feels important to them, not just important or convenient for us. The third thing that builds secure attachment is love. I will do a future podcast sometime on love languages, or you might already be familiar with them. But even more than love language here, we are just talking about whether our kids feel seen and valued for who they are, not what they do, and not just how they make us feel. Do they feel good around us? Do we make them feel better about themselves? We all want to be around people who make us feel good, right? We certainly don't enjoy being around people who make us feel worse. As you are taking all this in, remember to give yourself so much grace. Your nervous system has done exactly what it believes it needs to do up to this point. But survival strategies become limits when you want connection, and so we need to bring you out of survival mode in order to help you have the good relationships you want and deserve. My great goal through this podcast and with everything I do is to help you better understand your brain and body, how perfectly they were designed, and how they are always, always just trying to protect you so that stress no longer sabotages you or your relationships. Thanks to neuroplasticity, our brains can always grow new neural connections around secure attachment as we repair and reconnect, or maybe even connect deeply and authentically with someone else for the first time. It's never too late. I have once again run out of time to record for today, so I've got to tease it one more time. Come back next episode to hear my very vulnerable personal story of how my connection with one of my sons was unintentionally but severely severed and how I'm still trying to repair that connection to this day so that he can develop more secure attachment. It really breaks my heart. I am so thankful for all of this stuff I have learned because I remain so hopeful and convinced that we can get through this and make it better. But it is hard and very emotional for sure. If that resonates with you or if you are in a relationship where you are craving more connection, you are not alone. Your homework for today is to share this episode with another mama who needs to know these crucial insights. And then I really want to know, is there a relationship that you're struggling with these days? What's it about? What do you think is standing between you and an ideal connection? What do you want to be different? Reach out to me on Instagram at Solutions for Simplicity or shoot me an email through the link in the show notes. I am so here and I would love to have a conversation. Don't forget you are also always so welcome to schedule a free 60 minute consult with me where we could talk in person about all these things and more. Until next time, remember nothing you do and certainly not your attachment style thus far changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.