How High-Functioning Anxiety Shows Up In Mom Life: What Drives All Your Doing

If you had it all together before kids but now feel like everything’s constantly falling apart, this episode is for you. I break down how high-functioning anxiety deviously shows up in mom life and why so many driven, capable women mistake it for a good thing even though it leaves you chronically overwhelmed and feeling like a failure.

High-functioning anxiety in moms is real—and exhausting. I offer a litany of emotional, behavioral, relational, and physical ways it pervades motherhood and how important it is to learn to rewire your nervous system for safety and capacity so you’re no longer on “high alert”. You’ll leave with clarity, self-compassion, and practical insights to help you be the calm, connected mom you want to be.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• How high-functioning anxiety isn’t your personality; it’s your nervous system’s protective wiring
• Why becoming a mom amplifies high-functioning anxiety (even if you weren’t previously aware you had it)
• How guilt and control become two sides of the same anxious coin, dictating your responses and ruining your relationships
• How “doing it all” can actually be a form of insecurity and avoidance
• The many ways your body tries to warn you it’s overwhelmed before your mind catches up (yet few women listen)
• And so much more

FOR MORE:

Download my FREE checklist of “30 Signs You Might Have High-Functioning Anxiety”

HOMEWORK:

Your homework for this episode is to reflect on the extent to which these signs do or don’t match you. Which category(ies)of signs best depict your default tendencies? Have you tended to think of these as “good” or “bad”? How do you feel about yourself now that you know high-functioning anxiety is a thing? Email me or DM me on Instagram @solutionsforsimplicity to share your thoughts!

COMING UP NEXT:

Join me back next episode for a powerful story that’ll really resonate if you are a responsible, Type A, people-pleaser with high functioning anxiety like me. 

 Whether you've listened to this podcast for a while OR it's your first episode, you can hopefully tell how passionate I am about helping you get to the root of your stress & heal your hidden wounds so both you & your family can flourish.

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Transcript

0:50

If you had it all together before you had kids, but now feel like everything is constantly falling apart, this episode is for you. We are continuing to unpack this little known thing called High Functioning Anxiety so you can consider whether you have it and become more aware of the many ways it might be showing up for you in mom life. Welcome to More Time for Mom. where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. It is 10.30 p.m. before I am supposed to release this podcast tomorrow at 5 a.m., and I am recording this podcast episode because it is so near and dear to my heart, and because I know you're waiting for it, and because I won't be able to turn my brain off until I get these thoughts out. In better, more exciting news, I have been so preoccupied thinking about what you might need to really make changes to your life. I spend so much time and energy thinking about my clients and about what women who wrestle with the kinds of things I talk about on this podcast are facing in their day-to-day life, what you want, what you dream of, what's holding you back. And all of these things that I'm just always trying to gently put on your radar, right? How we want to get to the real root of your stress and how deep that can go. I'm not ready to share any official details yet, but I have been compiling the best of what I know into a program that I can't wait to release for you. Stay tuned for more details because it is going to be so transformative and a little bit more accessible than my one-on-one coaching. If you are someone that has wanted to work with a life coach but cost has been an issue, I think you will be very pleasantly surprised at this opportunity. Now, if you weren't aware, this is the third in a series of episodes I have recently released on High Functioning Anxiety. Go back and listen to those prior to at your convenience. There's a lot of really helpful information in terms of what High Functioning Anxiety is, how it shows up and presents in general, but today, as promised, I really want to break down how it tends to affect mothers and the many devious ways it shows up in mom life. More than anything, I just want to normalize it. So many high-achieving, caring, amazing moms wrestle with it for years before recognizing its presence. I know I sure did. Remember that none of this is meant to shame you or make you feel bad. My great hope is that if these things resonate with you, you actually feel a huge sense of relief because you, like me, finally have a name to put with the quote-unquote symptoms that you always thought were normal but are now realizing make your life harder than it might need to be. We are not saying that any of these things are good or bad, better or worse. I'm offering them to you so you can see how many behaviors that are typical of your type A perfectionist, people pleaser, oldest daughters, how they tend to group together and may, operative word may, indicate something deeper is going on under the surface. Having the validation of knowing you're not alone, you're not broken, there's nothing wrong with you, it's really priceless for understanding yourself and enabling others to better understand you. We all have our issues. Those associated with high-functioning anxiety have simply been wired into our brains without us even realizing. The greatest truth that you can take away today is the reassurance that none of these behaviors or tendencies we're going to discuss are your personality. They are not fixed, immovable traits. They are simply your nervous system producing normal outputs to perceived threat. It's a gentle opportunity to step back and reflect whether so many of the things that have always been normal to you are, in fact, protective adaptations your nervous system took on from a young age in response to feeling anxious and needing to be in control or ensure that everything is right in order to feel safe. I will continue to unpack this in future podcast episodes. It is really what The More Time for Moms show is all about, getting to the root of your hidden stress so that you can overcome things and be the happy, fulfilled, flourishing mom you aspire to be. I also want to say from the get-go that while healing and rewiring your brain is completely possible, The goal isn't necessarily to eradicate these behaviors or get rid of high-functioning anxiety altogether, unless you really want to and it feels that problematic. I want to offer that the goal is simply to catch yourself in the moments you feel yourself getting triggered, pause to recognize that there is a bit of an automatic, emotional, irrational response at work, And then consciously choose something different if you want, right? If you feel like the old way of being isn't how you want to be. If it's harming the connection that you're trying to cultivate with those you love. The craziest thing about High Functioning Anxiety is that it doesn't stop you from showing up. It just makes it harder to slow down. Let me also take a quick minute to honor why High Functioning Anxiety seems to emerge or get worse after becoming a mom. It's because prior to having kids, you really were in control of your time and choices. You could do basically whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted, and you worked so hard for so many years. You were probably praised and recognized for all that, which fed the dopamine loop in your brain, reinforcing positive repercussions for being that way. But then you had a baby and your hormones were all out of whack. Your time is consumed with the sweet little soul that you are now responsible for. Your mind can't just worry about you. It's infinitely worried about protecting your child. About getting it right. About not messing up. the stakes feel higher than ever because consequences literally feel like life or death. The very survival of your baby depends on you. I know that sounds like a bit of an exaggeration, but it feels so real in your brain. Okay, last, last, last little side note. Okay, last, last, last little side note before we jump into the many signs of high functioning anxiety, of how high functioning anxiety shows up in mom life, I have to remind you to be so, so gentle with yourself. you may find yourself feeling very triggered or even directly threatened by some of the things I'm going to say. Because again, all of these things, all of these tendencies are really the like socially desirable things that the good mom does. The moms that are giving us all of the home organization and productivity and work-life balance tips. They seem like they have it all together, and we, as high-functioning, anxious moms, we really aspire for that ourselves. So when I list a lot of these things, it might feel like a personal attack, or you might feel very resistant to the idea, right? You might find yourself wanting to argue with me and claim that, no, this is not a problem. This is not high-functioning anxiety. This is the sign of a good mom. I am always more than happy to connect with you through email or Instagram, and I want you to reach out whatever your reaction is, but especially if you want to just have a conversation about any of these things, I'm here for it. You don't ever have to worry about hurting my feelings or offending me. I am here to hold space for you and come alongside you as you are exploring these different things and learning more about yourself. And remember that there is no formal medical or psychological diagnosis for high-functioning anxiety. So all of these things that I'm about to list are simply things that I have pulled from my own experience, as well as years of research into this. Okay, finally, the moment you've been waiting for. I am now going to run through, I don't even know how many different signs of high-functioning anxiety in mom life. I didn't even count this time. but I have broken them down into four different categories. I want to start with household or behavioral signs because I feel like these are the most obvious and the most visible to others, even if they don't necessarily seem apparent to you. The first one is striving to look put together all the time, driven by a fear of being judged by other moms, teachers, family members, co-workers, You're basically putting on a show, right? Putting on the perfect facade and not wanting anyone to know if you're struggling behind the scenes. Keeping an overly tight routine or schedule to feel safe and in control. Maybe this one wasn't you, but maybe it was the home environment you grew up in, in which case perhaps this can give you a newfound appreciation of your own mom and what she may have had or been struggling with. Struggling to rest until the house is spotless or every item on your list is checked off? feeling like you can't work or focus, let alone relax or play, whenever the house is messy and disorganized so you tend to clean before you actually do your important work. This can also show up as cleaning, organizing, or working late into the night because, quote-unquote, it's the only quiet time, which is honestly exactly what I'm doing right now as I record this at 10 30 p.m. the night before it needs to go out. Next would be over committing to volunteer roles, play dates, or projects at school or work, then resenting how much you've taken on. You have a hard time saying no. You fear letting people down. You worry what they'll think. You don't want to be perceived as incapable. And in a much more benign sense, you just have an unrealistic sense of how much you should be able to do because you used to always handle so much and you prided yourself on how many things you could accomplish. So there's a lot of identity crisis involved in this, where now as a mom, you're still trying to perform at the same level and you just can't, at least not without some collateral damage to your relationships or your own physical or mental health. Refusing help or difficulty delegating to your husband or kids because it's just faster if I do it myself. Getting frustrated when you do try to delegate, but then things don't get done your way, or it takes longer to try to explain what you want, so you just do it. Similarly, over-managing. In other words, needing things to get done your way to feel calm. This, of course, can really lead to nagging or nitpicking your kids or your husband. I hate to admit that this happens with my kids, especially on little, trivial things like, I've told you so many times, we walk in the door and put our shoes straight on the shoe shelf. But of course, they rarely do, right? There's shoes everywhere. This next one was so big for me, and I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but you can easily go back and look at the dozens of YouTube videos I made for several years all about this. It is hyperfixation on planning and scheduling. I used to pride myself on being a planner addict and having perfected an amazing planning process. It is really helpful, maybe even necessary, to plan and organize as a mom. But when it becomes an obsession or you really freak out when things don't go as planned, Then, maybe we need to, again, kind of turn inward and question whether that kind of rigidity is helping or if it's perhaps a sign of something deeper. If you're the person who's always making checklists and chore charts and reward systems for your kids, thinking that this will finally be the thing that solves all my problems, A, you're not alone. Ask my husband, I do this almost on a weekly basis. But B, again, there's a reason that you want things under control. And then procrastinating on emotionally heavy tasks, like making your kids' baby books or sorting their artwork. Then beating yourself up because it's been on your to-do list for so long. It's like you can't get your brain to focus until the very last minute when adrenaline and cortisol kick in. But then you push hard and end up overdoing it. You pay the price for days after. Maybe things even fall through the cracks and you're gripped by guilt. You can't forgive yourself for even little things like forgetting to turn a kid's school form in on time. It can become such a vicious inner battle. Now let's talk about mental and emotional ways that high-functioning anxiety shows up in mom life. Having a constant mental to-do list running in your head, even at night while playing with your kids, you're always thinking ahead, even when you're doing something else. You try to anticipate everything that could happen or go wrong and have a contingency plan in place so you're always prepared and never caught off guard. Feeling guilty anytime you rest, relax, or sit down? As if you should always be using your time better? This happens to me on the daily where I go to sit down but then I see something out of place So I get right back up to put it where it goes, or I'm trying to, like, play with my kids, but then I remember I have laundry that needs to be switched from the washer to the dryer, and I'm just, like, flitting around from thing to thing, rarely able to just sit and be present unless I force myself to do that. Worrying that you're not doing enough for your kids. I find myself pulled in two very opposing directions all the time, where on the one hand, I don't want to do everything for my kids because I feel like that would deprive them of the skill of knowing how to do it when they're older, as well as building this virtue of responsibility and self-sufficiency. But then I sometimes feel I'm a horrible mom if I don't do it for them because it feels so much harder to stand over their shoulder and make them do the thing. You just can't win. This next one is huge. feeling responsible for everyone else's mood or happiness, smoothing over conflicts, anticipating needs, managing emotions, and trying to preempt your kid's meltdown. It's true that like it or not, we as moms are the emotional regulators of our households. That's a beautiful yet a huge job. It also still doesn't mean that you are responsible for everyone feeling great all of the time. Everyone is entitled to feel however they feel, even if it's a negative emotion. But if your nervous system was trained to believe that you need everyone around you to feel positive and be happy in order for you to feel safe, You're gonna live in a constant state of perceived threat anytime someone around you is displaying a negative emotion. You'll want to swoop in and fix things when it's not your emotion to fix. Replaying mistakes or small moments long after they happen. Struggling to enjoy the moment because you're ruminating over past ones or preoccupied about an upcoming one. overthinking every parenting decision, it really comes down to thinking there's just one right way to do everything. You spend so much time and energy trying to research all the options, collect endless information, and get everyone's opinion before you make a decision, and then you're constantly questioning or reassessing every decision. Lastly, feeling like your worth depends on being the perfect mom or wife. That brings us to parenting and relationship signs of high-functioning anxiety. Snapping or feeling irritated when your kids move slowly, make messes, or throw off your plan. You don't mean to, but you inadvertently take your stress out on your kids whenever things feel out of your control. The best way I can describe this is having a disproportionate response to the situation. Like something spills, or a kid forgets something, or something is inconvenient and messy, but it's not inherent bad or wrong behavior per se. And it probably wasn't even intentional on their part, but those moments feel like the straw that breaks the camel's back for you because you're already dealing with so much. Overscheduling your kids to feel like a good mom? Or then, maybe conversely, avoiding spontaneous fun because it's not planned and it feels unproductive or disrupts the structure and the routine that you have in place. Difficulty connecting with your kids or your husband because you are mentally multitasking I think every mom does this to some extent, and in this day and age of smartphones and things like that, it's really, really hard to be fully focused and present. So often, we are not really listening when our kids come and talk to us, and we have trouble giving anyone our full attention because you were already in the middle of something when they started talking at you. Comparing yourself to others and always feeling behind, this is that classic Like getting triggered by other moms who seem to have it more together or to be having an easier time at doing it all than you do and you wonder what could their secret possibly be? Chances are they have high functioning anxiety as well. And then this last one is so big, but it's needing your kid's behavior to reflect well on you. It's feeling self-conscious or like a failure if your kids, your husband, or your home don't reflect the image you want others to see. I have wrestled with this so many times, like when one of my kids has been loud or acted out at church. Or, there have been a couple of my kids who, for whatever reason, hate to keep their shoes on when they are little toddlers and then have gotten in trouble at daycare because of regulations that require shoes be worn. And then back when I was still a pretty new mom, my oldest son got in trouble in daycare one time for coloring an acorn green instead of brown as he had been instructed by his teacher. And, long story, but he ended up getting sent to the director's office because he was continuing to be quote-unquote defiant and didn't want to listen to what his teacher said. And so when I got the call for the very first time ever that my kid was in the principal's office and had not listened, and had been disruptive in the classroom. I mean, like, I can still feel the way that that stress rose up in my body as if it was such a reflection on me and my parenting. Now, I have a very different perspective, but it's still a natural stress response any time you're out in public and your kids are having a meltdown or they might bring home a bad grade on a test or you know, whatever it is, it's natural that as moms, we want our children to do good in others' eyes. And yet underneath all of that is perhaps this deeper anxiety where you are making things mean more than they do and taking things personally when really they're not that big of a deal. Last but not least, here are some of the physical ways that high-functioning anxiety shows up in mom life. having constantly tight shoulders, jaw, or hips, restlessness, needing to keep moving or doing something to feel calm, racing thoughts at bedtime, trouble falling asleep because you are mentally reviewing the next day's checklist. I used to think I was so smart for keeping a notebook or my phone by my bed because I'm always having these thoughts or ideas and then I get up to jot down thoughts I don't want to forget. But now I recognize that this is a classic sign. Exhaustion or irritability despite getting sleep? You're increasingly fatigued but you tell yourself you don't have time to be tired or sick, so you just drink more caffeine or take a pain reliever and push through? A body that never truly feels off-duty? Getting regular headaches, like your brain literally hurts because it feels so full. You're carrying so much information in your mind and you're holding on so tightly to it to make sure you don't forget anything. Having a frenetic energy racing through your veins. This can show up as frequent stomach issues or a racing heartbeat. And then it's hard to describe. I don't know if this has ever happened to you, but I periodically get this like electric shock where it feels like someone just pinched the top of my shoulders and they just quickly tense and rise up. It's like a zing or something, but it happens really fast and yeah, very weird and painful, but then it goes away. I'm sure it's not good. Okay, that was a lot of signs. As I described them, which ones hit home for you? Your homework for this episode is to think about which main ways high-functioning anxiety might be showing up for you. Did you find yourself most described by the household and behavioral signs, by the mental-emotional ones, by parenting and relationship signs, or by the physical symptoms I described? As your eyes have maybe now been opened to the fact that these tendencies could be coming from high-functioning anxiety, how do you feel about doing them? How do you feel about yourself? Again, you can always reach out through the link in the show notes and book a free 60-minute consultation where we can talk at length about your personal situation and get to the bottom of where this might have all come from so you can work to rewire your brain and live a healthier, happier, much less stressed life. Join me back next episode to hear a story that I know you will relate to. One that will really hit home and resonate if you are a responsible type A people pleaser person with high functioning anxiety like me. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day.