Which Phase of Personal Development Are YOU In? The 3 Stages of Self-Growth

How would you describe your current life: awful, okay, or amazing? In this episode, I break down the three distinct stages of personal growth ALL moms go through (what I call Triage, Transformation, and Triumph) so you can identify where you’re at in your own self-development journey and get the tools you need to advance to the next level, regardless of where you’re starting from.

 After six+ years of working with overwhelmed women (not to mention my own hard experience dealing with stress & grief), I’ve identified three clear phases of personal development that we ALL go through. Today I want to break those down for you so you know what they are, what their signs and symptoms are, the root problem in each phase, and of course a host of solutions to help you progress OUT of that phase as quickly as possible. Along the way, I’ll also share a bit of my own journey to give you concrete examples and NORMALIZE the kinds of challenges you face in each one.

BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU'LL DISCOVER:

• How normal it is to go through hard times—and how to actually get out of them faster
• Actionable steps to progress from triage to transformation to triumph
• The problem with the standard productivity and personal development advice out there (i.e., why getting a new planner or adopting a new time management system won’t help)
• Why you’re never fully “arrived” and a new way to conceive of setbacks that keeps you focused on moving upwards, even if you technically “go back” a phase or two (which you inevitably will—multiple times, in fact!)
• Why being in the Triumph phase is actually the most dangerous and limiting of them all

AS MENTIONED:

Don’t EVER be afraid to ask for help! If you’re in a dark place, call the Suicide Hotline at 988 or chat free with a mental health volunteer.

Snag my FREE “Everyday Essentials” checklist of 18 simple, proven things to boost mental health & wellbeing.

Curious to learn more about your body’s four natural energy rhythms? Listen to Episode 10 (“Why Everything Always Feels SO Hard: 2 Culprits You Can’t Ignore”)

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Transcript

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How would you describe your life right now? Awful? OK? Or amazing? In this episode, I can't wait to walk you through the three stages of personal growth, what I call triage, transformation, and triumph, so you can identify where you're at in your own self-development journey and get the tools you need to advance to the next level, regardless of where you are starting from. Welcome to More Time for Mom, where overwhelmed moms get science-backed strategies to overcome the hidden sources of stress stealing your time and joy. I'm your host, Dr. Amber Curtis. Ready to make more time for you? Let's dive in. As a behavioral psychologist and statistical analyst, my job is to look for patterns, to collect data for causal inference, which is just trying to understand relationships to pinpoint cause and effect. I can't help but use that academic training in all of my life coaching. After six plus years of working with overwhelmed women, not to mention my own hard experience dealing with stress and grief, I have identified three clear phases of personal development that we all go through. Today, I want to break those down for you so you know what they are, what their signs and symptoms are, the root problem in each phase, and of course, a host of solutions to help you progress out of that phase as quickly as possible. Along the way, I will also share a bit of my own journey to give you concrete examples and normalize the kinds of challenges you face in each one. Stay tuned till the end because there's a really important takeaway from all of this. The goal is much, much more than just identifying which stage you are in or even getting the actionable tools to improve. Without further ado... The first phase is what I call triage. Triage basically is that situation where you are having an emergency and it's as if you show up to the emergency room and all the medical professionals start running around to figure out exactly what could be wrong with you. In this phase, you are struggling to make sense of life. Everything feels like such a mess that you feel like one big failure. This is the phase where you not only don't know where to start to make it better, but might even be at the point of giving up on it all. It's so painful and everything feels so far from what you imagined your life would be. And then you're just really consumed with all of these big hard things going on. You have no energy. You're exhausted all the time. Your closest relationships are struggling. And you are just not yourself. Common thoughts and feelings at this stage are being discouraged or maybe even depressed, feeling like a failure, being physically and emotionally exhausted, feeling completely alone or abandoned, worrying that things will never get better, Feeling stuck as if you're in a dark room and you just can't even begin to see any light, let alone a way out. And wishing you could just escape and make all the problems go away. The root problem in this phase is difficulty adjusting to changed circumstances. Whatever that change might have been, it's typically something that was unexpected, something you definitely didn't want, and something that has completely disrupted your old, normal way of life. We find ourselves in triage whenever a big life event hits us or something has happened that triggers a deep emotional response, leading to an identity crisis where things used to be okay, but now they are definitely not. The bigger gap between how you thought things would be versus how they now are, the greater psychological pain you feel. Change is so hard, especially if it comes from something outside your control. You feel like a victim. You're looking for things to blame. And at the same time, you berate yourself for not being or doing better, for not handling things better. Everything spirals, and you become convinced it's always going to be this bad. You might be really afraid to speak out and let others know you're struggling. And there's a very high chance that then you also wouldn't want to ask anyone for help. I have been in this phase multiple times. There were a couple of instances in my teenage years. Things were decent in my 20s. Then over the span of just a few months in 2013, I moved across the country, had my first baby, and started my new demanding job as a professor just two weeks after he was born. I ended up feeling completely lost and fell into a really deep depression because I couldn't keep up with things like I used to. I felt like such a failure at it all and ended up suicidal thinking that there was no way out. Thankfully, now I know better. There definitely always, always is a way out. And so even if you can't see it in the moment, I really want to encourage you, if you are in a season of triage, Please believe that your struggles will soon become the source of your greatest strength. Hang in there, and it's so important that you get help. Some of the solutions available are to get professional help as needed. Seriously, don't be afraid to reach out. There is always the free 24-7 suicide hotline at 988 And I'll also put a link in the show notes where you can chat for free with a volunteer mental health expert. Then, in the triage phase, it is essential that you go back to the very basics of getting consistent sleep, eating healthy food, taking deep breaths, getting fresh air and sunshine, slowly moving your body, etc. Prayer, meditation, and journaling are wonderful, proven ways to improve your mental health. Even a few minutes a day can make a really big difference. But the number one thing you need to do is to separate your incredible self-worth from whatever hardship you are experiencing. Acknowledge where you are at and commit to change. This struggle does not define you and even if it is changing your life, it is leading somewhere, I promise. I hope that you will dig deep into everything that's wrong so you can rebuild your life from the ground up. That change takes time, but you can do it. It's really important that when you are in triage, you lower your expectations and cut out all non-essentials until you are in a better physical and emotional place. This is easier said than done, I know, especially if you are a mom and your kids are depending on you. But it is so, so important to clear your plate of everything you possibly can because you really don't have the capacity for much when you are consumed with triage. Remember, it's just temporary, but cutting everything that you can back will speed up your ability to get back to normal, whereas continuing to operate like you used to and try and keep up with all of your old things will just exacerbate and prolong your downtime. In these moments, I highly recommend disconnecting from social media, the news, and anything else that's causing you to feel worse. So much of our modern life is linked to anxiety and depression. So take a break from those things and you will be amazed at the difference. Then really strive to find something good to take your mind off of all the bad. This could be as simple as watching some funny videos or listening to some comedy routines. Maybe it is starting a gratitude practice. But you definitely don't want to move to the toxic positivity side where you are making light of your struggles. You really do want to give Yourself credit and validate how hard this time is, but also really be working on feeling better and trusting that it will get better. Finally, I hope that you will seek out at least one trusted person. and really deepen your connection with them because you are a social being by nature. The desire to belong is one of our most fundamental needs and yet real connection is rarer than ever in today's online world. When you're in a season of triage, it is so easy to feel alone, to feel like you are the only one struggling, to again not want anyone else to know that you're having problems, But that disconnection doesn't help. It really just keeps you stuck. Phase 2 I call transformation. This is where you have gotten out of the dark, dark places, but life still feels so hectic and disorganized. It means it's time to transform the way you approach your time, your values, your productivity. It's your invitation to transform the way you approach time and productivity. Even though things are going fine, you know they could be so much better. And they can! Common thoughts and feelings at this stage are feeling frazzled, stressed, chronically overwhelmed or behind, constantly having more to do than time to do it, being pulled in a million directions and feeling like there's never enough of you to go around, Feeling like something's gotta give, but you don't know what, and it really ultimately feels like you are the one that's gonna break if you keep trying to do it all. The root problem here is you're trying to do it all, without key systems in place. As wonderful as your desire to balance so much is, without crucial organization and time management systems in place, you'll just keep spinning your wheels and never get as much done as you need, let alone want to. You're not clear on your priorities, and you're struggling to set boundaries. Again, I have so been there multiple times. The entire reason I started this business was because I had been so frustrated with all the standard productivity advice out there because it wasn't applicable to my season of life as a busy working mom with multiple young kids. That's why I am so committed to being what I couldn't find, someone who shares easy, practical solutions for real mom life. The hard truth is that the solutions you are tempted to turn to in this phase are really just superficial band-aid solutions that are not going to solve the real root problem. You might be tempted to get a new planner or join a productivity program. You might be scouring YouTube for time management advice. But the truth is there's so much more going on beneath the surface. As we unpack in this podcast on a regular basis, it really is happening at a neurophysiological level. And we want to understand how your brain got wired to lead to the stress responses that are dominating your life. Key solutions here are to take a good, hard look at where your time is going. Really evaluate how well your current time use aligns with what you say your priorities are. Most importantly, change your perspective on time, because time is never the enemy. Your use of it is. Next, take personal responsibility for your attitude and actions. In other words, the things that you can directly control. There are so many mindset tools to help you keep your cool in the midst of stressful situations. The reality is that life feels crazy because your brain is just doing its job. It was built to perceive everything as a threat. The great news is that you have the power to recognize that and then when you're stressed, use these tools to calm your brain down, redirect your thoughts, consciously create better feelings, choose more intentional actions, and improve the results you experience. Next, develop a planning system that accounts for life's inevitable curveballs and really builds in plenty of margin and blank space so that you're not as thrown off when future challenges arise. Don't kill the messenger, but the reality is that life isn't going to get any easier. It's just that you get stronger and smarter. The more you can analyze what is and isn't working, the more data you have to then avoid overplanning and having disruptions derail your plans. It's so important to keep up with what I call the everyday essentials. I will put a link to that free checklist down in the show notes. But these are simple science-backed things to do every day that are proven to not only help you take care of your body, but improve your cognitive focus and productivity. Lastly, remember that you can't and shouldn't do it all. I know that can sound like nails on a chalkboard if you are a high-achieving perfectionist, but it is so important to be crystal clear on which of your tasks are and are not most important. Don't let urgent fires crowd out the longer-term things that will truly move your success and happiness forward. Moving on, phase three is what I call the triumph stage. This is where things are genuinely going well, but there's a very good chance you're living on autopilot, making sure everyone else's needs are met while neglecting your own. And maybe you've also been putting your dreams on hold. Common thoughts and feelings at this stage are feeling blah or unfulfilled, even if nothing is wrong per se. Wishing you had more energy to get things done. Life is fine, but you know it could be even better. Getting envious of people whose life looks better than yours. Starting to get resentful for how much you are doing for others while feeling like your own needs go unmet. Feeling like there's no time or energy left over for you or your goals. Self-care has been on the back burner for so long that you don't even remember what things feel like self-care to you. And if you even have hobbies and dreams, you're not making any progress on them. The root problem here is that you have lost sight of yourself. You've been working so hard to take care of everyone else but ultimately forgotten who you are in the process. Prioritizing everyone else's needs above your own has left you feeling depleted. Your proverbial cup is empty because you haven't been making time for what brings you joy above and beyond your other responsibilities. On the surface, things might look and even feel okay, but the reality is that there is always room to learn and grow. Even the highest performing people in the world are still striving to improve. When you get comfortable in your status quo, it's easy to forget that there could be something even better. You're grateful for what is but also have that deep down sense that you're destined for so much more. Another common situation at this stage is that some unexpected challenge has derailed your past progress. You see the common theme here, but I have been here too. The biggest mistake I made in this phase was thinking there is a one-size-fits-all solution for every person and every season of life, which is so not true. Learning how to prioritize yourself while rolling with life's proverbial punches does wonders for how you are able to then show up for your family and your job no matter what hardship is going on. These are the skills that I have constantly been working to improve myself And it's made such a difference. That's why I'm so passionate about sharing all I've learned with you. Solutions for the triumph stage are to step back and reflect on the last time you felt really good about life. How would you describe yourself back then? What changed and why? Who do you want to be? What identity do you want to embrace moving forward? Brainstorm the kinds of habits and actions that a person with that identity takes, and take small steps each day toward becoming that person. Really commit to doing so. The key thing is that you have to carve out more time for yourself and what brings you joy. Being your best self only makes you a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, employee. There's really no trade-off. Despite what the world might make you think or what your brain is telling you, following your passions actually energizes you so that you have that much more to pour out to others. You will seriously be amazed at what a difference even a little bit of time for yourself makes. Next, get the inspiration, encouragement, and accountability you need to set attainable goals and stay on track with them. Having goals is one of the primary ways to keep learning and growing, and by pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, you will discover a whole new you and feel that much more empowered by all you accomplish. You definitely want to work smarter, not harder. One of the ways you can do this is by learning about your body's multiple natural energy rhythms, as we have covered in previous episodes. I will link a great one for you down in the show notes. You can seriously skyrocket your productivity by cycle-thinking what you do or avoid and when. This knowledge is so powerful and I'm really on a mission to make sure every woman understands how incredibly your body was designed to help you be productive at specific times of the day, week, month, and year. Then, you have to surround yourself with a supportive community of like-minded women who get it and will cheer you on through it all. Life is too hard to go it alone and the science is clear. You will feel way more fulfilled and successful when you are around others that inspire you and hold you accountable. Lastly, getting a one-on-one coach who can see things you can't and offer novel solutions is really, really priceless. Now you know the basics of each of the three distinct phases of personal development. Triage, where you are at rock bottom and honestly just trying to get through each day. transformation, where things are fine, but you feel constantly overwhelmed and behind, and triumph, where things are pretty good, but you know they could always be even better. The kicker is this. These three stages are not linear. They are not a straight upward path where you sequentially advance from one to the next. And once you get through triumph, you're good forever after. The hard, hard truth is that they are actually a constant cycle. Your whole life, you are going to transition back and forth from things being unbearable to decent to really pretty good. But I'm sure you've experienced this already. Every time you start to get comfortable and think you've got it all figured out, bam, life hits you with some unexpected curveball that knocks you down and sends you straight back to triage. Everything that was working suddenly doesn't in that moment. If you have the right tools and mindset, you're not entirely back to square one, however. I want you to think not just of a circle going round and round through these three stages, but rather think of them as a coil or a spring where as you go around and move through one phase to the next over and over, you're also moving upward and growing into the next new version of you. For example, when I started my business six years ago, I genuinely thought I had figured it all out. I know that sounds arrogant, but I was really just naive. All the research I'd done and tools I'd acquired had genuinely helped me solve so many of the big prior problems I'd had. But then the pandemic hit in 2020. My mom had a brain aneurysm. We lost several family members, including my brother-in-law, in the span of just a few months, right as I was nearing the end of my pregnancy with my fourth son. Just when I thought we were coming up to breathe and finally finding our new normal, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away not long after. That not only threw my home life into turmoil, as I was gone from my husband and kids for five weeks to be at her side as she was dying, but I was plunged into a stress and grief I could never have anticipated. If you've lost a loved one, you know, but your motivation just disappears. You're so emotionally disconnected from everyone and everything around you. It was so hard to show up for my kids, let alone my academic job. But with time and help and effort, things were improving until once again, just as I thought I was moving from a transformation into a triumph phase, we suddenly moved and our whole life was literally uprooted. Now, it's ended up being the best change, but even good changes are still really, really hard. Ten months in, I'm finally back in a triumph stage where things feel like they are going better than ever. But I am no longer so naive to think that it will be this good forever after. Now, I don't want you to live with a perpetual dread that something bad is waiting around the corner. That's called foreboding joy, and you don't want that. Trust me. We'll talk more about it in future episodes, I'm sure. The greatest lessons and takeaways I want you to have from this episode are, number one, There's no right or wrong phase. You are naturally going to go through each of these three over and over again, multiple times. Don't make that wrong. There is nothing wrong with you. While triumph absolutely feels better than being in triage, you are no better or worse in any one stage than another. I hope to be that broken record reminding you that your self-worth never changes, no matter what chaos is swirling around you or how many trophies you've won. Similarly, lesson number two is if you are in a triage or transformation phase, Don't resist the hard stuff. Resisting and resenting it just makes it worse and keeps you stuck longer. Awareness is essential. You want to get clarity about where you are at as quickly as possible and then move straight into getting the help you need to progress forward. So many women have resigned themselves to less than their ideal life. And after going through hard thing after hard thing, I know firsthand how easy it is to just give up on things ever getting better. But you are absolutely capable of getting unstuck and finding great solutions. and finding great solutions. Don't forget that. The third big lesson is about the danger of the triumph phase. Because when things are good, your brain can't begin to conceive that they could possibly be even better. Comfort is one of the biggest obstacles to growth because it's really, really hard to take on the discomfort of going for great when things already feel good enough. But I have seen over and over that no matter how good things are, they really can get even better. So dream big. Aim high and keep challenging yourself to grow into as many new levels or versions of yourself as you can. Your homework for this episode is to identify which stage you are in. If it wasn't immediately obvious just from listening to this episode, you can grab my free life assessment called 35 Signs You Need to Simplify Your Life from the show notes to help you do that. After taking a brief quiz, you'll get tailored solutions for whichever specific phase you are in. And of course, I would love it if you emailed or DMed me your score so we can connect further. Join me back next episode to hear about a recent struggle I had that epitomizes all mom's pain points when it comes to time. If making time for what you want to do feels impossible, you are not alone. As you will learn in the next episode, however, how you handle those stressful struggles makes all the difference. and I hope hearing my experience gives you an alternative perspective next time you are faced with a similar challenge. Until then, remember nothing you do changes how wonderful and worthy you are. Have a great day. I know more than anyone how precious your time is, so the fact that you spent it listening to this podcast means the world. Make sure to subscribe, and if you got value out of this show, I would be so honored if you'd leave a review and share this episode with another busy mama who needs to hear it. We've got this.